I hope these stories will help you through this traumatic time in your life. Reading these stories has helped me to move forward and find a life worth living, especially the last one. Send me your story via an email and I will do my best to publish it here on the website and consider including it in my next book. There is no charge :-)
THESE ARE JUST SOME OF THE STORIES SENT BY PEOPLE IN THEIR OWN WORDS TO MY WEBSITE.
THEY ARE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD INCLUDING UK, US, AUSTRALIA, CANADA, CARIBBEAN, NEW ZEALAND AND SPAIN. FOR SECURITY ALL NAMES AND LOCATIONS HAVE BEEN REMOVED.
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In 2015 for various reasons my husband and I emigrated to Cyprus, not an easy decision. Long story short my 2 oldest children cut me off and it's now 6 years since I had contact with them and my gc. We returned to the UK in 2018 but no change.
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I am alienated from my only son and his child now six years old, whom I believe to be my only grandson. There may be more children but I am not allowed to know if there are or not. My daughter has been told she too will be alienated from her brother if she speaks to me about him. My grandson has also been alienated from my entire family. He has many cousins of his own age - about eight to date - who know about him but he does not know about them. He and his parents are currently, as far as I know, living in Abu Dhabi, it seems in an attempt to avoid me and my family. I am sorry that the child has to grow up out there. I have visited and the climate is punishing and leads to a life largely spent indoors. I have attempted mediation and been refused by my son. The great expense of legal action has deterred me. It seems to me that we are not only deprived of our loved ones and of support in our old age: we are actually libelled, either by lies (you are a racist, you have never done anything for me etc.). By implication we are made out to be unfit to be near a child. It is a dreadful thing to say unjustly to a loving parent and grandparent. Sadly my son's father, ay, particularly if he is in any need or difficulty and would like support. We are all a decent lot. lso alienated, has died recently, but probably I will still be alive when Ben becomes of age. I hope he will try to find his lost familyMy Grandson was removed from my life in his 1st year of birth. From the day he was born I pretty much did everything for him. My son and hid partner have now split up and they've also had another child a Granddaughter I've never even held she turned 1 last November and Archie is 5 soon. I believe he is of an age to decide if he wantsa relationship with me. I'd like to register so he knows I always wanted him in my life he's my whole world.
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I have 4 grandchildren, by 2 sons. I saw my first grandchild the first 2 years of his life, he now lives miles away and his mother refuses contact with the whole of my family. Son number 2, different story, never met his children, whenever I send gifts I get abuse, so I stopped. Maybe one day they'll come looking.I was stopped from seeing my 3 grandchildren 16 years ago by my son & his wife.Hi Sandy. I am just writing to say hello, and thank you for setting up this website. The more we can see that there are others out there in this heartbreaking situation, the more comfort we can obtain. My grandaughter is only a baby at the moment, but who knows what could happen when she grows and there are opportunities to get in contact!
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We are broken hearted grandparents to our ( sadly estranged) sons 3 daughters . Long story , we have been down the court route and have court orders but ..... I would love to get this problem out there and talked about . I went through the shame stage but know we have nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you for your time and dedication to this cause.
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I have been seperated from my grandson for 6 years even though I brought him up for the first 5 years of his life, after 5 years fighting in court and 4 orders in my favour after all had been breached I still have no contact, I have a 5 year old grandson too who I have never met, I hope contact can be initiated again without influence from his mum/my daughter.
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During the long, drawn-out, final lap of our twenty-year marriage, just over thirty years ago, my former wife said to me, in our kitchen, with a very meaningful look on her face: “Of course, you do know that you will never see your children again, don’t you?” This referred to my son of 19 and my daughter of 17, and the look and tone of voice said, very clearly, “because I’ll see to it”.She stole the family car, reneged on her joint-mortgagee duties, and I was never given a new address, or other contact-details, so had to track her, in the rush-hour, from her place of work, to discover their whereabouts; and have, ever since, never been apprised of the moved-to addresses of my dearly-loved children, whether separately or severally.My former wife died eight years ago. In over thirty years, I have spoken, I think, three times to my daughter (firstly, to give help with her undergraduate studies; secondly, a pub-lunch and a broken promise to keep in touch with me; and, thirdly, to introduce me to her future husband, during which she failed to extract an across-the-board mea culpa from me, shouted and screamed hysterically, and slammed the front-door as she left). The worst day of my life was that of her wedding, to which I was not invited, but watched from undergrowth below a tree, over the main road and around a hundred yards away.Contact with my son has been slightly less infrequent, but totally unpredictable. Apart from anything else, he is a long-term sufferer of Meniere’s Disease (and circumstances conspire to prevent my being able to offer a deeply-caring Dad’s support, a matter of great regret to me).I persuaded him to come to my house (something that I had been determined to do before my 70th.) just over six years ago, and some of the untruths promoted by my former wife became starkly clear. She used to confess, with a chuckle, that someone only had to look at her, and she would bruise. One day, as I well remember, out on her rounds, she brushed into an overhanging tree’s leaves (silver birch, willow?) and developed a black eye. She later lied to her children that it had been me who had caused that, by hitting her. I was told by my son that it was necessary for me to apologise for this. I patiently (and truthfully) explained why I could not do this, and was confronted with “are you calling my mother a liar?” and a huge fistWhen I have described this to others, a frequent reaction has been that they’ve laughed: “But, David, that’s ridiculous; it’s just not you”. I have, indeed, never in my life used violence against a woman; and the ironic truth is that the only such behaviour in our marriage was when, early on, my former wife took a large kitchen-knife in both hands, and pointed it, threateningly and in a rage, at my midriff. Taking that knife from her, calmly, was one of the scariest things that I have ever had to do.According to accounts from several mutual friends and acquaintances, this was, by no means, the only lie about me which she perpetrated. Amazingly, many were seen through at the time.My daughter, apparently (because I’ve never been officially / formally told about them) has two teenaged sons. I have two grandsons whom I have never met. I have been deprived of them, and they have been deprived of me. The intention was to hurt me, but, of course, “collateral damage” has been done to her own son, daughter and grandsons. I have a recurrent dread, at 76 years old, of being on my death-bed never having met these two lads. It is highly likely that my former wife was so keen, so fixated, on hurting me that she just could not see / did not care about the harm that she was doing elsewhere. It is true, I feel sure, that she was never a big-picture, wider-picture person; and the next five minutes were all that mattered.Since my grandsons were young boys, I have always put things aside for them (and kept a small stock of choc’s in the ‘fridge), hoping and praying (sometimes in the long, dark, night) that, one day, there would be a welcome knock on my door. It is hard to escape speculation about what regurgitated lies their mother / my daughter has told them about their loving Grandad, in order to justify and explain this appalling, nightmarish estrangement.Or, perhaps, do I not actually exist?
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I am a grandparent of two .. my son's wife doesn't want anything to do with my husband and myself. She gave our one and only son an ultimatum it's her or us.... Our first grandchild was born without our knowledge and is now 3. Our granddaughter is 1... Our son has no contact with us, we cannot contact him as he blocked us from all social media. We believe he still lives at the same house ??? We have written to them , tried to see them and last June was my last try... We haven't tried again.I know my 2 beautiful granddaughters are too young to look for me at this present time but I've just battled an aggressive bowel cancer and didn't think I'd make it.. when this cancer comes back and decides its my time, then I want my granddaughters to know that I tried everything to see them before I died and have no idea what to do next.
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My husband and I have been estranged from our daughter for 7 years and now our granddaughter. We have sought help from specialists in alienation. We believe that our daughter was alienated from us and her siblings by my husband’s mother who was my husband’s abuser. My mother-in-law had alienated my husband from his father. We don’t want our grandchild to lose out on grandparents, aunts uncles, and cousins.
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I am a grandma that has been separated from my grandson his half sister lives with me but neither of us see him
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Until recently we considered ourselves to be the most normal family in the world with two loving daughters, two caring sons-in-law and two beautiful grandchildren aged 7 years and 4 years. However, on August Bank Holiday 2017, our younger daughter estranged herself and her family from us and our family and we were not allowed to see our grandchildren for nearly a year. Our daughter had previously estranged herself from her husband’s family during the first years of their marriage and this has not been resumed. They are our ONLY grandchildren as our elder daughter has no children and she has also been estranged by her sister.This tragic issue is often the result of divorce or separation, but many grandparents are blocked out of their grandchildren’s lives for a variety of other reasons. In our case, we are convinced that our daughter has estranged us as a result of her mental illness. We feel that this has led to a personality disorder characterised by her narcissistic and controlling behaviour.We had a very close bond with our grandchildren from birth. This is because our daughter had postpartum psychosis after the birth of each of our grandchildren and was unable to look after them. She was admitted into the Psychiatric unit and while she was recovering, we gave our total support. We brought our grandson home from the maternity unit when he was less than a week old and raised him in our home with his father for the first month of his life. A similar situation arose three years later on the birth of our granddaughter and again we gave our total support.
We always believed that our younger daughter had made a full recovery from these mental breakdowns but now we think that mental illness is the only way to explain her recent behaviour. Over a period of 2 years she became very controlling and manipulative and caused anger, frustration and unhappiness in our family. We all felt that we had been bullied, patronised and treated with disrespect and were not allowed to challenge her bad behaviour as she interprets this as “verbal abuse”. She seems to be in denial that she has a problem as she is functioning normally in other areas of her life. (e.g. at work and socially)We gave one day a week caring for our grandchildren all through their pre-school years and have also contributed towards the cost of their supplementary childcare and have provided for many of their needs. Until our enforced estrangement we were involved with them 2 or 3 times a week and adored them so much and now we are just heartbroken. But even more important is the fact we know they are missing us SO much and we are very worried about their emotional wellbeing.
The estrangement came in the form of an e-mail 2 days after the children had spent a perfect day with us and they wanted to stay over for the last weekend of their summer holidays. But our daughter refused to let them stay and when we asked why suggesting she was using the children as “pawns” she said if we accuse her of anything, we would never see the children again! Subsequently, she cut off all communications with us, removed her answerphone, told us not to visit, e-mail or make contact with her, saying she would only engage with us through mediation.
As you can imagine we were shocked, stunned, angry, sad and could not come to terms with the situation. We were too embarrassed to tell our friends We were desperate and we eventually found someone to talk to on the internet. I telephoned Jane Jackson of the Bristol Grandparents’ Support Group and she recommended we get in touch with Marion Turner of Granpart.
Finding a support group like Granpart has given us hope and we are able to speak freely and confidentially to other estranged grandparents, some with much more harrowing stories than our own. Marion works very hard for the charity and we want to help her to campaign and raise awareness of the problem where an estimated million grandparents have been estranged in the U.K.It has been a great comfort to us to have the support of the group and we are forever grateful to Marion for all her hard work and dedication.However, our main objective will always be to fight for the rights of our grandchildren to see their family which is essential to their emotional wellbeing and for them to receive the encouragement and love to which they are entitled.
So we decided to seek mediation through our family solicitor even though we still didn’t know what issues our daughter had with us even after asking her many times. After receiving a letter from our solicitor, our daughter and son in law agreed to mediation through an independent specialist suggested by our solicitor. Mediation is a requirement before asking the Court for permission to apply to have the case accepted for a Child Arrangement Order.
The result of our mediation is very limited access to our grandchildren. We are allowed one contact session per month for three hours each time. This must take place in a single public venue and we are not allowed to take our grandchildren to our home. Their restrictions do not allow us to drive the grandchildren in either of our cars, despite clean driving licences, well maintained cars and appropriate car seats.
Hoping to move forward we sent another letter through our solicitor to our daughter, to request that she remove the controlling restrictions imposed on us during access to our grandchildren. We eventually received a reply which unfortunately was negative and with many false allegations. It is apparent that they are unable to separate the differences they have with us from the best interests of the children. It has left us feeling helpless and deeply upset that she has no empathy or regard for the emotional wellbeing of her children and is trying to break the very close bond that we have always had with our grandchildren.
On September 4th 2019 we attended a Grandparents Action Day in Westminster, which was organised by Lorraine Bushell of the Hendon Grandparents Support Group. The meeting was led by Dame Esther Rantzen and attended by leading MPs' in the campaign. The positive outcome was a proposed change in the law to give children the right to have a relationship with their grandparents and other members of their extended family. Vanessa Lloyd-Platt's firm has already written the amendment to the Children Act. So please politicians let's get this done. Our HOPE is that this amendment to the Children Act 1989, which is long overdue, will be implemented in the very near future. Our DREAM is to have a normal relationship with our beloved grandchildren in our remaining years.
Marion Turner sadly died from Covid 19 in January 2021.
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“About a year ago, I was still estranged from my only daughter and my only grandkids completely, having no contact whatsoever with any of them. Although still completely crushed and heartbroken by her tossing me to the curb for fabricated reasons that she had taken to social media to slander me and her father with outright lies and unbelievable tales, I had reached the point of gradual acceptance of her abandonment and began putting the fragmented pieces of my life back together without them in it. Up to that point, as many of us on this site have done and continue to do, I had formed some defence mechanisms that, whether right or wrong, seemed to help me cope with that gut-wrenching pain on which estrangement brings to each of us. Also up to that point, I had never responded to her insane accusations and allegations, instead, allowing her to continue to dig herself and her lies in deeper and deeper with each one that she told to the masses she truly believe that the longer it went on without any response from me, the angrier she became as she realized that no matter how hard she tried to provoke me to join in her childish, juvenile games, I was determined to remain unresponsive, no matter how disgustingly cruel her attempts were. In turn for my continued silence as I refused to engage in those games with her, each lie that she publicly announced to anyone that would listen became increasingly more and more vulgar in its severity and content I still refused to respond. Eventually, I guess she finally figured out that no matter what she conjured up within her own twisted and warped mind, I refused to get involved and “mix it up” with any of it or her and decided that I had had enough and was ready to go on with forming a new and hopefully happy life without her or my grands in it…period. So, the uphill battle and struggles began. I took baby steps to start with, slowly getting rid of the massive collection of toys and what have you that the grands used to enjoy so much when they were still allowed to visit for regular play dates. I began remodelling and taking back the area of the house that was devoted to being a “playroom” and decided to turn it into my quilting studio instead. I very slowly began poking my head out the sand and back into an adult society after spending a couple of years deep in hiding, riddled with shame and guilt (although I knew deep inside that I had nothing about which to feel shameful or guilty) I put any hopes and dreams regarding a relationship with my daughter and grands somewhere in the back of my heart and mind and was very determined to make myself a new life that I could enjoy. So little by little, that is exactly what I did. I made up my mind, set my boundaries, deciding firmly what I would and would not tolerate with regard to the way others, all others, treated me. I would no longer associate with my daughter as long as she treated me with such disrespect and deliberate cruelty. I developed a lot of internal anger that formed a thick wall around my heart and in my head, keeping me constantly on guard and protected. My therapist said it was my defence mechanism that protected me from further pain and despair that once took me very near my own suicide. Although it may not have been entirely healthy and good, it was my only defence at the time. My therapist and I both agreed that as long as it worked, why not use it. So I did. Life very slowly began to improve with fewer and fewer setbacks and triggers that sent me back into that dark, miserable, unbearable “funk” in which I was once drowning. I even began feeling stronger and more determined to emerge a better, new and improved human being, proving to everyone, especially myself, that I am not a bad mother or a bad person. I am good and have lots to offer my friends and family while being that good and decent person. As I slowly crept my way back to life and happiness, out of the blue and without warning, I get an email from my daughter. I let it sit in my inbox for several days, unsure if I even wanted to open it and debating whether or not to just send it directly to the trash folder, never learning of its contents. Finally, curiosity got the better of me and I opened it. My daughter stated that she would like to get together with me at a nearby coffee shop for a one on one talk. To be honest, my initial thought about her email content was, “Hell NOOOO!” I felt I had come so far and refused to take another hit in the gut, thus sending me backwards. But ultimately I made up my mind to not let her offer phase me, build hope or give me good or bad feelings in general. I honestly found myself feeling absolutely nothing about her offer. I could have given a rat’s ass less about the possibility of seeing her again. Had I created an empty heart within myself, now incapable of feeling emotions? Was there something wrong with me? So out of curiosity only, I accepted her invitation and arranged a meeting for an upcoming Saturday afternoon. As I had learned during the previous couple of years, anytime I had had one of our failed meetings or discussions that blew up, I was going to secretly record our little coffee date so that I would be sure not to forget or misquote anything said during our private meeting. It was a safety measure I learned to use as a defence measure for the lies and slander that often followed any discussions that I had had way back years earlier in life. My recorder had fresh batteries, my boundaries were in place and without any expectations or hope, I met her at the coffee shop for reasons not totally clear. When I arrived she was already there and was sitting in at a small table tucked into the corner of the shop. I grabbed a bottled water and joined her. To start with our verbal exchanges were polite, awkward and nervous, containing nothing more than the idle chit chat that one would have with a distant neighbor or friend. Finally, I blurted out, “So why have you requested this meeting?” She stated that she had been doing some thinking and wanted to try and develop a relationship with me. She wanted us to SLOWLY get to know one another again and hopefully form a loving bond between us once more. The more she spoke like this, the thicker that wall around my heart became. I never felt stronger and more determined as I thought to myself, “Don’t trust a word she says woman!”. See I had learned during the previous few years that my daughter did nothing or said to people unless there was something in it for her…a gain of some sort. I had learned the hard way to never trust her or anything that she said. After listening to her for a solid hour, I found myself with little to say and continued to just let her ramble on about how she could slowly build this loving relationship that she once had. She finally asked for my response to her offer. I didn’t want to lower myself to her standards by saying something entirely cold and heartless. But to be very honest, I could not help but to think, “why now?”, “yesterday I was a horrible, abusive, sick and twisted, sorry excuse of a mother…and today you want a relationship with me???”, or “how dare you come in here actually expecting me to fall at your feet, slobbering all over you, jumping at the chance of having you rip my heart out again…you have a lot of nerve!”. Instead, I quickly gathered my thoughts and said that first off, I wanted her to understand a couple of things. I went on to say that I do not trust her and her motives. I explained that the indescribable degree of pain and despair that the previous few years had caused me, that I had made some changes in my life with regard to relationships with others and that those changes were solid and non-negotiable with ANYONE in her life. I would not tolerate dishonesty and disrespect. I would not tip toe around her feelings, walking on eggshells so to speak. I would not live within her double standard set of rules, being scolded for stupid things such as giving the grands apple juice while allowing her in laws to freely offer and pour up gallons of the stuff in sippy cups. (Yes, that was one of many stupid things for which I was punished for…for giving her gks apple juice…what a miserable excuse of a grandparent I was…lol) And all of my stipulations were true with regard for her husband as well. I agreed that we would slowly try to build some sort of something and just see where and how it went as we went along. I came away from that meeting feeling nothing…not a damn thing. As I parted I found myself saying the words, “I love you”. But did I mean it? If I did, wouldn’t I have some sort of something I would be feeling in my heart? I felt nothing…absolutely nothing. Had I built this wall around myself that had grown so hard and thick that I now was incapable of feeling at all? Nothing seemed to phase me. If anything, it made me more determined to keep that wall up and to make damn sure I kept it up. I was sure something was up her sleeve and that it was only a matter of time before she would drop the ball on me, sending me falling over the edge of insanity once more. But for now, I would just sit back and let this part of her game play out and see where it takes her (not me…cuz she’s not taking me anywhere by God!). After that meeting and feeling nothing more than nothing, I had a couple of stops to make before heading home. So by the time I arrived at my house an hour or two had passed. I pulled my phone from my purse. It showed that I had missed a couple of calls while I was out and about, especially since I had it turned off during my daughter’s meeting and had not yet turned it back on. One call was from an old friend that I had not spoken with in several months and the other call was from my sister with whom I rarely speak due to some unrelated issues that I won’t get into here and now. I thought, “how odd to hear from her… I wonder why” I then realized that she also left me a voice mail. So I listened to it and was shocked to hear her go on and on in that message about how happy she was to learn that my daughter and me had “kissed and made up” and were on the mend, etc., etc. What??? Where did she hear anything about anything and who the hell said that I had “kissed and made up”? It hit her almost instantly…Facebook…good ol’ “nothing in life is private” Facebook. Since my daughter had blocked me from her FB a year earlier to keep me from seeing her lying slanderous posts and making sure that I would have no access to pics of the gks, I rarely looked at that website anymore. But I did that day. And what do you know, the first thing I see when entering it is a new friend request from my daughter and one from her husband. I also had a private message from the daughter wanting to know if I was free to come to their house for dinner the following day and asking if I wanted to see the grands. WHAT??? I thought, “This is what you call taking it slow?” When I had just a couple of hours ago left the coffee shop she was talking about getting together once a week or so over a cup of coffee to begin anew and take it slow. But within a couple of hours we are now up to telling the world via FB that everything is “hunky dory”, you wanna see the gks nd won’t you please come to dinner???? The best word I could use to describe my overall feeling was CONFUSION! By then I was even more convinced that she was up to something, although I wasn’t exactly sure what. So I put my guard up a notch or two and decided to play it very calm and casual and let her stew a little without responding to her message or request. The following morning I called her. When she answered the first thing I said was to ask her about how her sister knew anything about our previous day’s meeting and insisted on knowing what all was said. She passed it off as they had just happened to be exchanging messages in FB and that the subject of ME just happened to come up between them, blah, blah, blah. I thought to herself, “What a crock!” Then I said it…yes that is exactly what I said. But I said it with great politeness and felt absolutely no guilt about it either. Why should I? If she and her sister felt the need to gossip about me then I am sure as hell not going worry about either of them and whether or not I was being politically correct with my statements. She finally admitted that when she arrived home she put something out into social media about the two of us having a “positive” little get together and that things were looking up. I immediately said that I don’t want ANY PART of anything regarding and concerning me to be broadcast on ANY social media site, period. She agreed. As far as her and her husband’s FB friend requests…I let those sit unanswered for several weeks before I finally OK’d them. Her invitation to dinner? I passed on that. I felt that it was “rushing” or “forcing” something that may or may not be there. I also stated that by attending dinner at THEIR home I know myself well enough to know that it would have made me feel very caged or boxed in, trapped within their “home field advantage”, which made me very uncomfortable. As far as the gks were concerned…although I was dying to see them, I was scared to death to see them also, if that makes sense. See the last time I saw either of them the older girl was 4 and the younger girl was still a baby, being just about 7 months old. They were now 7 and 3…a huge difference in age at that stage in life. The older one and I were extremely close from her birth and right up to the day that my daughter threw me out of her and their lives. My gks were my pride and joy and I had play dates together just about every day up until then. I was terrified that the older one would not remember me at all or that she had been brainwashed by her parents and had been taught to dislike or even hate me. Without allowing her to hear the fear I had in my voice, I told her that I thought meeting up with the gks in a neutral place would be better for all concerned to start with. I also added that I was tied up during the upcoming several days and that any meetings would have to be scheduled after that. I guess I wanted to sound as cool as could be and give her no hint of being anxious for any relationships with any of them…AKA another way of protecting myself from that sickening gut wrenching pain that I had been dealing with for a few years up until that point in time. I told her that as long as I was laying some of my cards on the table I needed to tell her that I would not and could not trust her and likely never would. I said that I would not even attempt to describe what her abandonment had done to me and my life, not to mention the life of my husband (her stepfather) and her father. There is absolutely no way that she, or any other selfish, childish, narci, self-absorbed, entitled, immature, spoiled rotten, heartless and cruel adult child bitch (yep… I said it!) could ever understand that level of pain and grief. She began crying and saying, “I know Mom, I know”. I asked her to never ever say that to me again…that she knows how she hurt me…cuz she will never know that feeling or could even begin to understand what it does to a woman’s very soul at the deepest of levels. She apologized. I told her that it was not my place to forgive her for anything that she may or may not have done or said to cause me such pain. Instead, she should ask for forgiveness from God since He is the one that wrote the rules…”Thou shalt honour thy father and thy other”. So she owes Him the apology. Before our call ended I also said that if somewhere down the road she decided to once again throw me to the curb, no matter what flimsy reason she may have for doing so, that that would finalize any chance for the two of us to have or ever have any type of relationship whatsoever. I advised her to make absolutely sure deep inside her head and heart that she honestly wants to attempt a real relationship with me because this would be our final try. If it didn’t work out I would wash her hands 100% of her, her husband and the gks forever. And I meant it with all my heart. As I have said to her repeatedly during this entire mess and said once again on the phone, I know I was not a perfect parent…and she was not a perfect kid either. I did the best I could with what I had and devoted my entire life to make sure she had it far better than I ever had it, no matter what price I had to pay to ensure her life of never going without. And whether that life she was given was perfect or not, there is nothing that anyone can do or say to change anything during that time. It is what it is and that’s it. Grow up. Take responsibility for your own life since you are now 34 years old. It is about time. And I left it at that, period. I guess I took back my role as the parent while setting her back in her place as the child. I told her if she wanted to hash out over and over stupid things from the past such as “do you remember when you grounded her for….”, in an attempt to create guilt by me or to fish for some sort of apology for doing my job as a parent, then she would have to take that backward journey alone. My life and its enjoyment were a top priority for me and would remain as such since I am not getting any younger these days. In closing I told her I was moving forward in my own life and that I refused to back pedal for anyone or any reason. She seemed rather speechless.Since then we have seen each other many times and have even done things, such as attending craft fairs and other local events together. I have begun forming new relationships with both my gks as I was very correct in thinking they would not remember me…they didn’t…not at all. None of our relationships between any of us will ever be the same. I still don’t trust her any further than I can throw her and still have this great, thick wall around myself. I seriously doubt that I will ever take it down for anyone again. I don’t allow myself to get too close, ever. It’s just too scary to let that much go out to anyone. For now, I am trying to enjoy my life the way that I choose while keeping my mind open to the fact that at any time she could suddenly and without warning do that to me again. I guess I am just keeping myself ready in case that should ever happen. I simply cannot forget that level of pain that will never be far from my everyday thoughts. And if she doesn’t like the new “hardened” Mom, then she has only her own doings to blame for it. My advice for anyone faced with a “kiss and make up” possibility with your estranged children…. walk very lightly, keep your eyes wide open and your heart well protected. I will keep all of you posted as things develop or unravel… we will see and only time will tell.I know I haven’t posted anything on the site in quite some time, although I do visit quite often still I find it difficult to share my feelings about reconciling with many mothers that believe that to reconcile with an EC (estranged child) is all wonderful and for many, the ultimate goal in their lives. If only they knew the real truth of reconciling after years of no contact. It is actually very difficult. Allow me to explain. We all know the pain and anguish we have all experienced from the moment that we were tossed to the curb by our own offspring…that gut wrenching heartache that sent us all to the rink of sanity, the unwarranted guilt and shame we all were forced to endure, the endless tears as our self-worth and esteem were chiselled away inch by inch to the point of having no joy, happiness or positive aspects of our lives at all. We were all sent to bottom of that black hole where we thought we would never find a way to climb up and out of that horrible hole. I, myself, hit such a low that I questioned whether or not I even wanted to go on living or if I would be better off just putting an end to that misery by taking my own life. In all of the misfortunes and awful events that had occurred during my life and up until that point, I had always managed to pull myself up to carry on with life. I had endured things such as in 1986…within that one year I went through a divorce, lost my home, lost my job, filed bankruptcy, was hospitalized with a serious illness and had my only son pass away. After living through all of that I assumed that there was nothing I could not handle in life. I was wrong. The estrangement by my only living child several years after 1986 was far worse than that entire year of 1986. I went through all the stages of grief…the sadness, the guilt, the shame, the attempts of contact, the apologizing for things that never happened or were not true, the walking on eggshells, then the bitterness, the anger, even at times the hate. But eventually, those tears washed away the fog and I was able to see more clearly and was able to make sense of some of the situation. I decided to go on with my life, without my child or my gks that had been abruptly yanked from my life. I began living my NEW normal life, little by little. I knew it would take a very long time to get to that “good place” while I got to know me all over again. As I did, I began organizing my own life and decided to begin setting my boundaries of what I would and would not tolerate from and by others with regard to the roles they played in my life. Finally, I had begun learning how to allow myself to feel a fraction of joy in my own life and depended on no one but me for that pleasure. No matter how many times my daughter would bait me, attempting to get me to engage in her childish games in an effort to draw a response from me, I refused. As hard as it was, I ignored all of her Facebook posts, emails, snide remarks she would make to others about me, the lies she would tell to the masses, etc. I ignored them all as I continued to climb upward out of that black hole and back into my own life. Eventually, her attempts became fewer and fewer and finally ceased, which was fine with me. The person that my daughter had become was nothing short of evil. I did not know the person she had become, nor did I wish to know her. I was through, done and finished. As I began gaining a foot hold in life…a new life without my daughter and grandkids, I became stronger and stronger, but not to the point of being entirely strong, if that makes sense. I knew it was going to be a very long road, although one that I finally felt was at least possible. A few months after this point, out of the blue and with no warning whatsoever, my daughter sent me that message asking if we could meet at the coffee shop. From the moment that I received that message, my honest first thought and emotion was absolute fear. Not fear of me. But instead fear that she could possibly hurt me once again, taking me backward to that deep, dark hole again. I knew I had gained strength over the time since she first threw me out like yesterday’s trash. But did I have enough strength to NOT ALLOW her to have that type of power over me again. That I was not so sure about. So yes, the thought of meeting with her scared me to death. That is why it took me some time before I would even answer her message as to whether or not I wanted to meet with her. Eventually, as you know, I agreed and we met. But before I had that first meeting I had to spend several days preparing myself for that initial meeting, pumping myself up. I would not allow myself to become hopeful and would assume nothing would come of our meeting. But more importantly, I organized my thoughts and especially my boundaries of what I would and would not tolerate in my life. I asked myself what I expected and what I would like to gain from the meeting…of course, my wish was to reconnect with my grandkids. If it weren’t for them, I honestly am not so sure I would have even responded to her request for the meeting at all. Like I said, she had grown into an evil person that I had no desire at all to know… she was no longer my daughter.I approached the meeting and her very cautiously, guarding my heart very well, not trusting anything that she did or said. Over the following weeks I kept that guard up and was on my toes continually. As far as where we are now and how our relationship is doing, I can honestly say that it is nothing like it was before. I still do not trust her at all and have concluded that I likely never will trust her. I had to develop all new relationships with my darling GKs. That close bond I had with them before the estrangement was gone forever. My estranged daughter stole that from me and I also know that I will never forgive her for taking that away from not only me, but from her own kids as well. That was not hers to take. It had nothing to do with her or her husband. But she took it anyway. I can find it in my heart to forgive most anything in life. But I cannot see myself ever forgiving her for that. My husband, I know for a fact, will never forgive her for it. In fact, he has a very hard time being friendly while in the same room with her. He has little love or respect for her. But I am sure that is largely due to the fact that while she was off posting her nasty and hateful lies about how she was raised in such an abusive home and environment, my husband saw how her badgering and evil behavior nearly destroyed me to the point of nearly taking my own life. She never saw that part of it, but he did. And that has left a lot of anger with him. That is understandable in my book. The type of relationship I have with my daughter now feels fake, not close and phony. We are courteous to each other and get along fine. But I don’t think it is anywhere near as close as it once was.. I still feel that if I had no GKs, I likely would not have any type of relationship with her. The estrangement put a permanent scar on my heart and on my soul…one that will never heal. Also, suddenly when I first started having contact once again, I believe the stress of the entire estrangement began catching up to me and my health began to waiver. One by one, I have had one health issue after another creep up on me, some very serious. I have no doubt whatsoever, although it cannot be proven, that the stress of the estrangement was a cause of those. Undoubtedly it will cut years from my life. In my opinion, someone that could simply toss their own parent to the curb and go onto social media and anyone that would listen, telling such evil lies about that parent, could do it again if they wanted to repeat the process in the future. And I keep myself prepared for that “what if” by guarding my heart with iron and steel fencing. For now, I enjoy the time with my 2 beautiful GKs and take full advantage of every minute of it. My daughter? I could take her or leave her. I just cannot allow her to get to close to me. Unfortunately, in order to have a close relationship with the GKs, I have to have some sort of civil relationship with their mother too…honestly speaking.My message to the mothers still hoping to reconcile with their EC??? If you do, accept from the beginning that the relationship will NEVER be the same, be careful and stick to your own personal boundaries. As the old saying goes, ‘Hurt her once, shame on you. Hurt her twice, shame on me’. stay strong. I promise that things will at some point, begin to get better and you will become stronger. Some things I have read on the site I still repeat to myself over and over when I need to… Your adult child made the choice to estrange you. You did not abandon that child. You cannot make sense of the senseless. You were and are a good parent. Take care of yourself first and foremost always. Refuse to be disrespected by anyone in your life ever again. Love yourself and only love others in your life that appreciate you and cherish the love that you give them. Don’t lower yourself to the estranger’s level. You are better than that. Make a life for yourself once again. What better revenge could you ask for than to show your estranged child that their cruelty has only made you a better and stronger human and that as hard as they may have tried to break you, you could not be broken, but instead have become an even better person than you were before. Hugs and prayers are with you from me.
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This last story is an excerpt taken from the book “The Trouble Between Us”
Author Sandy Grayson
Published in 2020 by Balboa Press,
A division of Hay House
Available on Amazon
Copyright © 2024 sandra grayson
All Rights ReSERVED