In the UK there are an estimated 2 million (1 in 7) grandparents unable to have contact with their grandchildren, usually through no fault of their own. In the US it's estimated as many as 1 in 4 grandparents have been cut out of their grandchildrens' lives.
You will know if you are estranged from family, whether it's parental alienation or whatever it may be called. It is a cruel choice our children have made to cut us out of theirs and our grandchildren's lives. Here are just some of the stages I have personally gone through, not in any particular order except for the last one, that you may experience:
DISBELIEF - DENIAL - CONFUSION - REALISATION - PAIN - GUILT - EMBARRASSMENT - ALONENESS - SHAME - DOUBT - REMORSE - ANGER - FRUSTRATION - RAGE - BITTERNESS - SELF-ABUSE - CONFLICT - GRIEF - ILLHEALTH - PARANOIA - DEVASTATION - DISCONNECTION - DESPAIR - ISOLATION - NEGLECT - BROKEN - ENVIOUS - WORTHLESS - SUSPICIOUS - MISTRUSTING - HOPEFUL - DESPERATE - SICKNESS AND FINALLY ...
... ACCEPTANCE
It’s a long, long list and it's no wonder our heads are so full of negativity.
When we feel some or all of the above it is difficult to see a way forward. My name is Sandy Grayson and my children alienated me 17 years ago for a reason or reasons I still wait to hear about. I know I have grandchildren only because a family member told me so, but I have never met them. My children refuse all contact with me and after 10 years I gave up trying.
Before I gave up trying I chose to beg my children for their love and consideration. I was a wreck. I was ill. I was a poor excuse for a human being, neglecting most aspects of my life in favour of chasing a fast-disappearing vision of a happy family. My biggest reality check came just as I was about to end my life. I mean, how could I live without my children? How can anyone live their life without their children in it? The thought was unbearable. As I drove down that fast road and took my hands off the steering wheel, I closed my eyes. It was at that precise moment I realised I had a life. My own life. I was about to end the life I had been given. I opened my eyes and I am so glad I saved myself.
After those years of just simply trying to make contact with my own children, being ready to reconcile our differences with no luck whatsoever, I realised one vital fact. You can change yourself, but you cannot change anyone else, not even your own flesh and blood. Not even after all the years you brought them up teaching them good morals and scruples, to know right from wrong, good from bad. It is a harsh reality, but you cannot live in someone else’s head, however much you know it is for the right reasons.
I know how we ache to be a part of the family we once knew.
Another hard lesson I had to learn is that life forces change and some changes are good, some are not so good. We cannot control so many things happening in our lives, but we can choose how to live our own life. It’s no one else’s. It’s a life given to us to live as we choose.
Now, after 17 years of estrangement, my life is unrecognizable, in a good way. Yes, in a good way. Of course I have a void in my heart that I hope one day to fill, but until then I have discovered I have important purposes in my life, including bringing together everyone going through this agonizing ordeal by setting up this website. I believe that until our own children are educated regarding the damage their abandonment created (probably with little awareness of their actions), they will in time come to see how their life choices have impacted on their own children, who will have been missing the richness of a beautiful relationship with their grandparents.
These and other real-life stories have helped me climb out of the hole I was in. I hope reading these will help reassure you that you are not alone with this traumatic event in your life and maybe putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) to tell your own story will help you too. You can even send it to me to publish if you wish. There is no charge.
Whatever you choose, remember to:
FIND A SUPPORT GROUP NEAR YOU (THERE ARE MANY WORLDWIDE) OR CREATE ONE YOURSELF
SLOWLY LEARN TO ACCEPT THE SITUATION
RE-CONNECT WITH THOSE THAT LOVE AND WANT YOU AROUND
RESPECT YOURSELF
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ONLY YOURSELF AND GET OUT OF THE PRISON YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF IN
LOVE YOURSELF AND LIVE WITH HOPE AND A BETTER YOU
Copyright © 2024 sandra grayson
All Rights ReSERVED